~Freedie’s Day~ And would you look at that little facey!!!

I was off a week as I am eagerly pushing through the blistering heat of this summer. I told a friend that last week was Freedom’s Birthday. It wasn’t, it was just her silly mom looking at the calendar wrong and wishing it was the next week… But, today is my precious, sweet, good good girl Freedom’s 6th birthday!!!

We adopted her from a breeder when she was about 1 1/2 yrs old. She had one litter that was 10 gorgeous pups, and then as is her cute little stubborn nature…refused to take when she was in heat again. I like to think it was because when I went to see her at the breeders, it was love at first sight! I hugged her, kissed her and whispered in her ear,”It won’t be months from now I will be back for you in two weeks.” Mark laughed at me and reminded me what the breeder said. That Free had to have one more litter and was in heat. But no nonooooooo! I felt it! I knew! So much so that I insisted we went to PetSmart to start getting ready for her arrival!

This was March early March. We had her about 2 weeks later and she is just such a sweet sweet girl. She is mellow, lazy, loves to nap, loves carbs, humms and sings in her little Free girl way. She only like green beans in the vegetable area and she thinks the kitties here are her “little dogs” and she cuddles them. She is a tremendous delight in my life and I just could not imagine having not taken the chance, the risk that others spoke of, and adopted an adult dog. She has never had an accident in the house. She never gets on the furniture even though I wish she would! She is small and loyal, smart and friendly, and sleeps with her tongue sticking out. Appropriately called “Crispy Tongue”!

I love her so… and tonight Free girl… Frosty Paws frozen treats for you and your sister Addy!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY FREE GIRL!!!

~Random Acts Of Kindness~

We have all heard that saying many many times in our lives. Some are sick of hearing it. For them I feel sad. Sorry. They are missing out on so much.

It takes but a moment. It sometimes doesn’t even involve a thought or plan, just a random act. What it does for the other person in totality you may never know. No, you more than likely will never know. But, that is ok! That is not what it is about. It is the act of giving, the act of kindness, the making someones moment, hour, day, week or sadly perhaps their year…

This act that you release out into the Universe will immediately cause your soul to smile. Again, you may not know it at the time. You may be so lonely, lost, frightened, panicked, heartsick or distraught that you don’t see it at the time. But, it will make a difference inside of you when you give just that little bit of something to someone, randomly… like finding a penny, picking it up for good luck, then tossing back out there for another to be delighted by.

People are so caught up in themselves, their lives, what they want, need, have to buy, have to do, have to see, a better this a better that, lie to this one while they manipulate that one. You can see it in the faces of people as they shoot past you in a hurry. They are so deep in their own heads they can’t see if the sun is shining or it is pouring. Let alone someone close by them who one simple act of kindness could change their mind about their remaining on this planet or not.

I see it everyday. It saddens me to no end.

Try to make that little difference in someones life… please… collectively the world will be a better place for it. Goodness will flow…

~Star Wonder~

As I stepped out into the warm quietness for the last time tonight

I caught you falling, slowly burning away your beauty and bright

I reached as if I could touch you, could catch you in your fall

I would cradle you in my hands, hold you tightly to my chest, cherish you and protect you, listen to your all

How and why you picked that moment, that time to fall from grace

Or was it simply just the time picked for you to quickly be displaced

Too close to the truth for many of us and how we often feel

Too close to the truth for many, too close to becoming real…

~Wisdom from Pain~ Or…do ya happen to have a baseball bat?

This picture caught my eye today…it has been me several times in the past almost 8 months…was a teensy bit happy to know I am not alone… but the story is mine.

I saw a friend today. I knew already that her news would not be good. Hers too is the devastation left when you have given your all to a child and HE rips your heart out. She asked me how I have been. Asked about my mouth and she was very thoughtful in remembering I can’t be hugged by a perfume wearer and she was sad she had some on… was really kind of sweet. Anyway, her son did it to her again. This makes the 4th huge incident in about as many months. I don’t know how much more she can take. Single mom, doing her best, trying to discipline and love and teach her kids. She knows of my broken but now turning furious heart. She once saw me break down in tears and have to leave the store where she works before. Just bailed on my cart… I later explained. The manager followed me out and asked if he could help me. Very sweet of him as well. I have done this a few times in the past months while trying to come to grips of what has happened. What can never be the same. Sometimes it is the music that causes it, sometimes it is just unexplainable and very unfortunate it happens in a crowded market. The only 2 that I go to. Haaa, well at least I haven’t fallen there! Yet… but today, when I heard L’s story I was furious!!! For her, for me, for other parents who feel this way.

So, today I felt well enough to be out and about and got some groceries from Trader Joe’s. As we were talking, I confessed to her that I have NEVER hit my children. Never layed a finger on them. BUT!!! That I am filled with this overwhelming rage at times and want to beat the crap outta’ him with a baseball bat! Either him or his precious truck that means more to him than any of us do. I quickly slapped my hand over my mouth in horror after I said that!!! The guilt I feel for the anger I am feeling at him! She looked at me with a complete knowing in her eyes that were red from recent tears caused by her son. Then she cracked up! She knows me and knows this is not me!

I said, “I gave everything I had to my kids. Sacrificed so much of my life, my desires and my needs to see to it they were in good schools. A safe neighborhood. Had healthy social lives. Were loved and safe. Single mom doing her best” She nodded. She is in that situation now.

The priceless wisdom came in the form of a darling older woman. Little gingham blouse, spunky little tennies and smart capris. She looked right at us and said these gems…”Get a broom, less damage done.” LOL and, ” They may step on your toes as babies but they will stomp all over your heart as adults.” Then…”Every single thing wrong in their lives is all my fault according to them. Hey, I am the first to admit I am not perfect and I never claimed to be either!” I rubbed her soft and safe feeling little arm. I needed to touch her. I asked her if it got better. She replied,”Eventually, but I have 5 boys and 2 girls. The only problem ones are the boys. They are growing up finally though and things are working out ok.” I shook my head and tried not to cry…again…damn you…Then she looked me point blank in the face, grabbed my arm and said,”You cannot feel guilty! You have to stop blaming yourself NOW! You have to first like yourself and then love yourself, then you will see how worthy you are and what a great job you did. You will see it was his choice to push you away.” So, I went ahead and told her how everything changed when he re-met his woman and he pushed us out of his life. How he didn’t even introduce us to her for 9 months. He lied about us and to us and they had already picked out rings etc… straight from her mouth….”Well my dear, that’s obvious! He is ashamed of her.” No argument here…

THANKYOUVERYMUCH DEAR SOFT WOMAN…

And thank you Mark… for telling me I did the best I could. They grow up and become their own person. Influenced by so called friends.

So, my friend and I shall commiserate, discuss baseball bats, near heart attacks (Yes son, you damn near gave me one. The EKG will show for sure.) Alcoholics, liars, thieves, and just that cowardly actions of these boys who think they are men. As for my sweet friend L… oh hers has only just begun. I will check on her each time I stop in for food. I will send her light and blessings daily. She is a good person. Good mother.

I am not a violent person. I don’t think I could defend myself in an attack. Actually, I couldn’t upon thinking back to when one happened. Another story though… But baby oh baby if the Red Sox or my Beloved underdogs the DBacks have a bat to spare… I am feeling a little Thelma and Louise-ish!!! ( Did they use a bat? Well, whoever did…)I know my friend is and I have no doubt the wonderful woman with wisdom would go along for the encouragement. Maybe some full on batshit craziness! Sure beats crying over the whole thing.

I try to send you blessings…so so hard to do. I am stuck in this stage called rage and it is all I can do to let it go. But, each day… I am reminded that I raised you well. Gave you all I had. Taught you right from wrong. Off to the military you go and come back a thoughtless, lying, user, substance abuser. Who bails on his family without a word. YES I AM PISSED!!! Maybe now this will move me towards complacency. Maybe then to peace.

In the meantime…I have that sweet little woman’s face making me laugh as she rolled her eyes and wondered why she ever had kids. Oh and lucky for you child of mine, that your mom still is not a violent person.

Yet…

Phew!!! That felt wonderful to get out!!!

~Rabbit!!!~

I was so happy to say goodbye to July I couldn’t even find the words to blog it right! So, let me just say…”Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out July! Because I slammed that baby!”

There… *hmmph* I have never been so ready for summer to end as I am this year. I usually savour the month of August and taste each morning as if it were a new delight for the soul. Knowing that my favorite season, my time to draw strength, my healing season is about to begin. Waiting for me just around the bend. I relish and cherish August as a rule, and this year I am trying my best to do that. Even though I want to jump straight to September. I could have kicked July out the door weeks ago. July had been brutal, far hotter than normal for days on end, nights too hot to enjoy outside at all, smoke filled skies and stagnant saddened air, more migraines in one month than I have had in a long long time. I am talking real migraines…not just headaches. My bone graft that had just healed was cracked open for the implant, healing well but hurts nonetheless. Emotions rampant in my daughters life as she moves to her next chapter and we say good-bye to her old life. Discovering more about myself and what I have to change in me to be able to survive (I have made a note that doormats don’t last long, they wear out from being stomped down and most the stains don’t come out) so I want to be a beautiful, soft wool throw rug that can be moved from spot to spot and be cherished! I am a rug in progress July made me brutally aware of the real need to speak up. The need to value me, as they say…if I don’t then who the heck will? Finding out who my real friends are. Feeling regrets in my life for the first time ever… that is how much of a people pleaser I am!!! It took me 50 1/2 years to feel regrets!!! I am over the guilt and now is time to do something about it!

Buh Bye July and buh bye to a few in my life who really just mouth the words “I love you” and please take note: The doormat is no longer there.

Now… Happy August!  Happy almost my time of year! I have decided to walk on the wild side and put my Fall wreath on the door last night, I knowwww! How daring of me to break rules like that! It represents to me the changes that needed and need to be made. It can be Fall in my heart…while Summer outside.

Also, New Moon tonight. May your list of desires, needs and wants be blessed and fullfilled by the New Moons gracious power. I hope you can take the time to write your list, place in the New Moons lights and think of what it is you want…

Happiness, Health, Joy and good things to us all…

RABBIT!!!

~I matter~

Funny how one day you are almost right with world. Harmony is close at hand and you start to remember the feeling of bliss. Your heartstrings loosen just enough for you to breath a little deeper. Your eyes open just a little bit more. You dare to smile, for no reason.  Then…

The pain sneaks up behind to remind you of how very vulnerable you are. How easily it will snake between your ankles and drag you to your knees. Hold you there and make sure you understand the feeling of dragging your heart on the gravel path.

You rail against it and refuse to give it power! Beat the snake within an inch of it’s life. Get up, and try again. Try to forget that someone you loved betrayed you so deeply and continues to do so, that it may just never be able to be repaired. Certainly will never be the same. Neither will I. Something has so deeply scratched away at my soul that I have been forced to change. Damn you for that and what you have done to me, for what I allow you to do to me. Make that many somethings.

Lessons learned. Must remember. Time to stop apologizing for the other person and for things I did not do. Must stop wanting others to care and actually stop and want to know how I am. Must instead continue to appreciate the ones who really do care. Must remember no one changes unless they want to. Then we are still talking about shaky ground!

Funny how also, so many use the word friendship, best friend even…so very loosely. Not asking how I am, or asking but in such a way that I better answer the way they want to hear. That would be, “Oh, I am doing better.” TRUTH? I have just given up trying to tell them how I feel and what hurts and haunts me. What left me crying for several days after my 2nd tooth surgery. No one even wanted to know. I reached out. I was devastated. It went swept under the rug with the death of a young mother and the loss of my son in law whom I loved and my 5 grandpets also whom I love and will never see again. Swept away with the appalling rate of health decline in my dad. My life has changed so radically this year and I feel as though some want me to just be me!!! I CAN’T!!!!!!! I am no longer that me! I actually mean something to myself for once!!!

I have given up trying to tell anyone what is killing me slowly. What is making me be filled with regrets for the first time ever in my life. What is making me rethink every aspect, every ideal, every truth I held on to so tightly in my life. I try to say something…but the subject is changed and the moment lost. Then forgotten. I then find myself thinking how nothing changes with some. That in itself is exhausting. I can’t be me, I have to be what they expect me to be or they try to force me to.

I am so tired of being the up, positive, you can do it, go gogogogogogogogooo person. This cheerleader has back flipped right out of the squad. (In real life I was not one of the chosen ones for cheer, not what they wanted)  so I went on to become a cheerleader for a career. Make sure everyone felt they could do it! Whatever it was! Well, no longer a cheerleader and completely cheerleaderless. That will teach me!

I have regrets. Many. I never had. NEVER HAVE! I do now! Huge ones. Now it is time to change this. Turn these regrets into success and accomplishments. Live for me… not devote myself entirely to another or others. Continue to learn to say, “NO.” And mean it!!! To seek out what I want and desire and deserve. Achieve it. Love, but with balance. I am trying…I am tired…and I am sad tonight. Yes, sadness has found me again. Not the mild “oh who will I see or what will I do” kind. It’s the “Ughhh how will I ever shake this loss and why do I feel bad over you, and bad over you and how selfish you are, and as for you and why do I keep trying with you and why is our friendship so strange and only your way? What does that say about me?” It sweeps in like the sticky summer breeze and clings to me as if I don’t remember it from before. Oh, I remember you… excuse me while I get up and place the fan towards me.

I have just come to the point that I realize just how important I am to some (thank you) and how unimportant to others. For some I am when they have no one else.  I have been the type of friend who has always been there for others. Never putting me first. Well…………………………..

Things change.

Guess who comes first? Moi.

Good night …..bygones

~The Edge~

I stood upon the edge, the wind whispered to me as I looked down at the sea,

I felt her great sadness fill me, hopelessness wash over me, her desperate need to flee.

She weighed the consequences as she had many times before, while holding herself tightly shielding her beaten soul from this life that was for her too much to bear,

Kicking and twisting, her thoughts thrashing more violently than waves crashing up into the mist filled air.

Her image left behind heavily burdened, still clinging to the trees on the ledge, that foggy unsettled afternoon long ago when she knew,

There was nothing more that she could do, but to let herself be free, the only choice was to spread her arms, as she leaned forward, and she quickly, silently flew…

~Self Aware~

 

Said by Annie Savoy in Bull Durham. “The world is not made for people cursed with self-awareness.”

Ok, never mind my love for baseball, most baseball movies and the Red Sox, D-Backs and yes yes I know… I am a Yankees fan too, much to my husbands disappointment. But what can I say? I may be a west coast gal but I have my east coast roots! But, back to baseball in a moment.

A few weeks ago Mark came home and said this quote to me. I recalled it from my bookstore days as well as the Psych classes at the college. I tossed it around in my head, quietly, and had to agree. I could not shake this statement. I could not let it go. I could easily apply this to many I know. The ignorance is bliss thing and how happy they are. Don’t get me wrong! I am not insulting the unaware. I am just agreeing with Mark and with Annie. See, there is a difference between just not really giving a shit and not being aware. Being simple. Thinking of only yourself and the little circle around you. Happily unaware and blissfully ignorant. Not really wanting to learn more, see more, be more and in the case of Bull Durham and the character she is referring to, Ebby Calvin LaLoosh. Also called “Meat” by Kevin Costner. I know… says a lot right there. There is bliss to be found there I would imagine. Well here… I am quoting her opening scene. Ya gotta love it!

“I believe in the Church of Baseball. I’ve tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I’ve worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn’t work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there’s no guilt in baseball, and it’s never boring… which makes it like sex. There’s never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn’t have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I’d never sleep with a player hitting under .250… not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. You see, there’s a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I’ve got a ballplayer alone, I’ll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. ‘Course, a guy’ll listen to anything if he thinks it’s foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. ‘Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball - now who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God’s sake? It’s a long season and you gotta trust. I’ve tried ‘em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.”

AMEN! Ebby is so unaware of everything around him, unaware of the gift he has been given in his right arm. He doesn’t care. He is right and cocky and self absorbed and full of piss and vinegar. Confident and all about just being him. The other gift in a sense is that he could care less about anything or anyone. How wonderful is that? To just not care about another and the ripple effect of what you do, and how it will change or hurt them. Scar or damage them. Now, it may appear that Annie is contradicting herself to some. But she isn’t, she gives them something that will last them a lifetime and will only be there for her for the season. 142 games. Her choice. Her self awareness. Her enjoyment too haaa! Also her being able to balance the enjoyment and the give and take. She isn’t hurting anyone. Least of all herself.

Well, I needed a distraction BIGTIME the other night and this movie came to mind. The minute I mentioned it Mark was all over it! We hunkered down on the bed, popped the DVD in and cuddled and watched. Then we heard the line… I had forgotten. He remembered. I simply sat there, thinking how appropriate and how true. You just cannot be selfish and self aware. How could you? I mean really? How? They just don’t mesh. This is a curse. It is something some of us drag around our necks like a choker. The responsibility and need to do right by others. The need to believe there is a right and wrong as well as a gray area. The hurt at the injustice in the world, the injustice caused by others. The not being able to just let go and be… but rather the constant need to be responsible and forgive, teach, share, love, learn, and help others, and by all means…

PLAY BALL!!!

~the 12th and more~

 

The past 2 weeks have been something. That is putting it mildly. I feel like an actress forced to play a role she is really stretching to achieve. Healing and more healing and then more. New wounds opened. Old ones revisited. Both emotional and physical. A weeks vacation that was long overdue to us both. Our 12th wedding Anniversary and just the desire to slip away…

The mouth is chugging along. I am drained beyond words (literally) while trying to let my mouth heal. The worst is over…stitches have almost all fallen out and I can now talk for maybe 5 minutes at a time and not be in pain. Sheesh!!! Part 3 of the adventure will be in Nov. This has been a real test. Being that it was thrown into the mess that was already happening. When it rains…and all that crap. I think the Universe had a “bigger plan” in store when this all happened. I have had a lot of time to soul search and make decisions. I just can’t seem to get past the extreme exhaustion lately that has enveloped me. I get one step ahead, feel good, then BAMMMMM something else happens (either physical or emotional) to knock me right on my ass. Ahhhh, more character building for me.

We went to Santa Barbara for our Anniversary last week. We try to go every year for the day. Doesn’t always happen. But, I was determined to make it so! Picnic of soft food ready to go, dogs ready to go, SUV gassed up and ready to go, chairs, umbrella, towels and about as much stuff as you have to take when you take kids! Dogs are just as much work BUT!!! They are quiet when we travel they sleep and we joke that we forgot them at home.

We never would have discovered this beach we love so much if we didn’t have the dogs. It is a dog friendly beach that we stumbled upon while hiking around with “the girls” at a Preserve. Anyway… a good time was had by all. My jaw tolerated the altitude change well enough and we just hung out and relaxed. The other ills pushed aside and meds at the ready. We just enjoyed the day. Even the cleaning of tar off our feet as well as the 8 feet extra we had to tend to.

I had a last moment ritual idea that morning too. As I went back into the bedroom for something, I remembered 2 pictures I came upon the day before. I threw them, a pen and some paper as well as an envelope into my bag. A plan…

To you of which we don’t speak of… I wrote on the back of two pictures of you. I wrote that I am released from the hurt and pain that you have caused me. I said goodbye. I then wrote on a piece of paper several more things that have to go. Be done with. Have no power over me anymore because they are destroying me and my heart. I put them all in an envelope and searched for the perfect stone. Placed it in and sealed the back and tossed it into the waves to say goodbye… to you and to the other things that need to be let go of. I watched it sink. Gone. Done. Goodbye.

Then back to our day. Our girls. Us and where we are at. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be in the midst of all that I am right now  had I the chance to draw a picture of my future. As with everything in life…the good with the bad. Fact of life. As the ocean does… ebb and flow. I watched the waves come towards me and pull away only to do the same again and again. Every few waves a tear would fall silently as I look at where I am now. I have so much, and I am thankful for it. I also am resentful of some of the things I have too. As well as don’t have. But on a grander scale…it could be worse I know. It has been before. I know others have it so bad and far far worse. Still though it leaves me to wrestle with pain, decisions made, sacrifices made, and for once finally I sadly can add regrets to my list. This, for those who know me is not something that has ever been on my list. This may be a whole new blog coming…

We will return to the ocean again very soon. We both enjoy it. It has been put aside due to health and work issues for far too long. We will go again soon for the day. We need the time for us, time for me…

~Window~

I look out the window, for days, the same place, the same thoughts…

I can’t stop the ache, as the hours drag by, my mind filled with all the plans, all the plots…

The pain and rage that has surfaced again with a vengeance and demanded attention…

Same story, same dance and I search out the window, for answers, for direction…

Tears have become etchings upon my skin, down my chest, stop to rest upon my heart…

I have no answers, I have questions only I can answer, for if I were selfish, then where would I start?

What is a promise, a lie in a fancy casing? Waiting, lurking in the shadows ready to break?

Means nothing to some who give them, just a liberty assumed granted, to go ahead, abuse, neglect and take…

I hate the me that I have become, a shell ever bending and flexible to anothers constant need…

Irregardless the toll it takes upon me, peeling me down to nothing, all because of greed.

For days now, I stare either at the wall or out the same window , aching so deeply I bleed, looking for the same thing…

I know what it is… am I ready for what it could bring?

I know what it is…

I know…I see…

I wish you feared the thoughts and saw the other me.